


With All The Life That Leaves Your Bones It Soaks The Purpose From My Own

by badboybellamy



Category: The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, But he really misses newt, Character Death, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Minho is a great friend, Movie Sonya, Moving On, Newtmas was real the whole time Thomas just never realized it, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Thomas is just trying to be happy, because she looks more like Newt in the movie and it helps the plot somehow, newtmas - Freeform, no beta we die like men, we don’t deserve him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25902571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badboybellamy/pseuds/badboybellamy
Summary: Alternate Title: It May Be Safe But It's No HavenThomas struggles. He struggles with the death of Newt. He struggles to move on, to contribute to the Safe Haven, to be happy, to live. He struggles to accept the fact he will never know what it would feel like to press his lips to Newt's or to tell his friend he has always loved him. Thomas struggles to say goodbye after barely getting to say hello.
Relationships: Newt & Thomas (Maze Runner), Newt/Thomas (Maze Runner), newtmas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	With All The Life That Leaves Your Bones It Soaks The Purpose From My Own

**Author's Note:**

> The title is based off of the saddest song I've ever heard that just screams Newtmas. It is called Please Don't Go by Stephanie Rainey please give it a listen especially while reading :)
> 
> My cat died and I got my sadness out through this so honestly it's just a vent fic but I hope you enjoy it anyway
> 
> also i didn't proof read this so no hate pls im just sad lmao

They had been in the Safe Haven for 5 months. Thomas had 5 long months to tell Minho the truth....any of them the truth. He killed Newt. He’d held the gun in his own two hands and shot his friend dead. Yes, Newt had asked him to. And yes, it was the merciful thing to do. But it didn’t change the fact that he murdered his best friend. The person he cared for the most.

It wasn’t as bad now...he wasn’t as bad now. The first week at the Safe Haven he spent in a coma like state fighting infection as his body healed from the wounds he suffered. His dreams were sweet then, it was as if the scorch trial hadn’t happened. He dreamt of the glade. He dreamt of Newt: of golden blonde hair and pretty brown eyes and a sweet smile that was always aimed at him.

When he woke up it was violent and panicked. His side had not fully healed and he pulled his stitches in his anguish. He couldn’t help it Newt was gone and everyone had seemed to move on just like that. In fact, they were even excited to see him awake and healthy. He felt angry and betrayed and devastatingly heartbroken.

It was the letter that really tore his heart in half. Newt, who knew he was dying, thought of him. Of how to comfort him and wish him well in the future a future he knew he wouldn’t be apart of. It was enough to send Thomas in a downward spiral of not eating for days at a time.

Eventually he calmed down enough to sleep most days away. He didn’t want to be awake because then he couldn’t dream of Newt. If he couldn’t dream of Newt Thomas feared he may forget the boy’s face all together. This, he thought, would be a fate worse than death.

He ran through the stages of grief quickly skipping a few and cycling back around. He could never quite make it to acceptance.

Eventually everyone got sick of his depression even Minho would get short with him with his lack of contribution toward the Safe Haven.

“Thomas you need to get out of bed and help us.” Minho would say, nicely at first. He wouldn’t answer.

“Get up, Hermano. Everyone has to help. No one gets a free ride.” Jorge explained, slowly they all lost patience. He could hear them whispering about him outside his tent.

Brenda was next. “Tom, you can’t stay in here forever. You survived for a reason...make it mean something for Gods sake.”

“Get the shuck up, Thomas!” Gally had yelled, ripping the blankets off of him and throwing them on the floor. “Get off your ass and do something useful for once.”

Something inside of him broke, he shot out of bed and stared at everyone in his tent. Minho, Brenda, Jorge, Gally, and Frypan. All with concerned looks on their faces.  
But Thomas was angry all over again. If only they knew what he did...what he was going through...what he lost. Why couldn’t they leave him be? Let him morn the boy he loved just a little bit longer? “I got all of us here. All of us. I sacrificed everything! I lost everything! Why can’t you back off-“ Thomas was breathing heavy as he pushed against Gally’s chest with both his hands-“just leave me the fuck alone damnit!” Thomas pushed past all of them and left the tent. He didn’t stop walking until he made it to a secluded part of the beach.

He sat in the sand staring at Newt’s letter and fiddling with the necklace absentmindedly. He didn’t need to read the letter to know what it said. Every word printed on the page was burned into Thomas’s mind. The letter along with Newt in general occupied all his thoughts. The Safe Haven brought a sense of home and security to everyone there. Everyone except Thomas. It gave him too much time to think. Without the danger and the impending possibility of death looming over him all he could do is analyze his life, well, what he could remember of it. The problem was every single one since his memories were wiped had Newt in it. From the moment he arrived in the glade Newt was one of the first faces he saw. Newt was the first person he decidedly liked. Newt was the first person to care for him and comfort him and help him and believe in him. Newt was the first person he ever loved.

That was the worst realization of all. That he loved Newt. The longer Thomas thought on it the more he realized he had actually been in love with Newt. He thinks that maybe given the opportunity Newt would’ve been in love with him too. Looking back he knew there was something between them. The shared glances, the shy smiles, reaching for one another while in danger or just to let the other know they were there. Thomas could curse the world and God above that he didn’t know they would run out of time. He thinks that if only he knew Newt’s life would’ve been cut short. Maybe if he knew that Newt was destined to die or maybe if he had just accepted it when Newt told him he was sick he could have done things differently. He could’ve sorted his feelings out and told him he was in love with him. He could’ve kissed him on his lips, cheeks, forehead, nose just once to know what it was like. Maybe he would’ve hugged him tightly to his chest for a long time and ran his hands through Newt’s hair. He could’ve held Newt’s hand just to know what it would feel like in his own. He could’ve slept beside him, cuddled up in his side with his arm safely around Newt’s thin frame. He could’ve loved him better if only he had time.

By the time the sun was setting Minho found him crying on the beach, the tide rising closer to him. “Thomas, are you okay?”

Thomas sniffled and folded the letter up neatly and put it back in the capsule of the necklace. “I don’t know.” He finally said, clearing his throat and wiping his tears away.

“Well, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on and I can help you.” Minho sat beside him, leaving a good bit of distance between them to still give Thomas space.

Thomas took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’ve never said this out loud before.” He prefaced, turning his body to face his friend. “I loved Newt.”

Minho nodded. “I know. We all did.”

“No, I think...well I know...I know I was in love with him. I still am I think. I’m in love with him.”

“I know.” Minho repeated, putting a hand on Thomas’s shoulder and squeezing slightly. “I know I was just waiting for you to know too.”

“I just keep thinking I should’ve told him but I didn’t-“ his voice broke and the tears were coming back-“I didn’t know I was in love with him then and I didn’t know I was going to run out of time to tell him.” Thomas rubbed the snot running from his nose with the back of his sleeve. “I think if I had known well I don’t know what but he wouldn’t have...he wouldn’t have died like that. I would’ve fixed it before it ever got that far. I wouldn’t have...” he trailed off rubbing his face with his hands.

“Tom...you can’t talk like that it’s gonna prevent you from moving forward. Newt wouldn’t want this for you. He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself and feel guilty when there was nothing you could’ve done.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Well, then make me. Please, I just want to help you. I know I’m not him but I’m still your friend and I promised him I would look after you.”

Thomas finally looked up at Minho, tears falling from his eyes freely. “I killed him.” Thomas whispered, barely keeping it together.

“What do you mean?” Minho asked carefully, not understanding.

“He asked me to. I see it over and over in my head every single day. He begs me to kill him and I do. I shot him in the fucking head, Min. I don’t deserve to be here. I can’t believe I did that. I want to die every fucking day because I did the worst thing anyone could ever do to the person they love. I killed him.” He’s sobbing now, hysterically, his body shaking.

Minho is silent, staring at him in disbelief and it makes him cry harder. Before Thomas can register what’s happening Minho’s arms are around him, pulling him in a tight and comforting hug. His arms are strong and his body warm. He runs his hands over Thomas’s back and smooths over his hair. “You should’ve told me. You didn’t have to keep this all to yourself.” Thomas feels something wet on his shoulder and realizes that Minho is crying now too. “I don’t blame you. You did what he asked you to do I would never blame you for that and neither would Newt.” Thomas continues to sob. It’s like a damn has broken free and he can finally mourn his loss. He can be honest about the horrible sin he’s committed with the person left in this world that he’s closest to.

They sat holding each other and crying because Newt was Minho’s best friend too and he missed him so much but felt he needed to be strong for Thomas. He knew Thomas and Newt were in love with each other ever since the glade. He saw the way they looked at each other and knew they must’ve known each other before the maze. Their connection was too strong too fast. He thinks perhaps in another life they were together. He wonders if that’s part of the reason Newt was so miserable in the maze. Depressed enough to try and take his own life. Perhaps, the thing he was missing wasn’t a thing at all but a person. Maybe without Thomas, even without the memory of him, there was a hole in Newt’s life where the other boy was supposed to be. He thinks that hole is in Thomas now and it breaks his heart for his friends. The time they had together was brief but beautiful. It’s a tragic love story that Thomas didn’t even know he was apart of until it was nothing but a memory.

He can’t be mad at Thomas for how he’s acted since Newt’s death or what he’s just been told. He saw how depression took over aspects of Newt’s life so much so that it made him no longer want to live it.He would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared of Thomas trying to kill himself as well. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t understand why Thomas could feel that way. Unlike the others, Minho was Newt’s best friend. He knew how Newt felt about Thomas. His friend had told him. He knows what Thomas and Newt have missed out on...the opportunity to be safe and happy and most importantly together. It’s gut wretching. It makes him nauseous and scared for Thomas’s well being.

They sit on the beach and hold each other and cry and comfort one another. They talk about Newt and Alby and Chuck and everyone else’s name who’s been crossed out on the wall. It feels so good for both of them to get everything off their chests and to be able to talk to each other about what they went through. It feels like healing....it feels like acceptance.

* * *

It happens months after the night on the beach. Thomas is helping tend to the garden when he hears it. “Tommy, what d-“

He hates himself for it but he lunges forward against his own free will, all he sees is red. He grabs the boy by his shirt collar. “What the fuck did you just say to me?” He’s yelling and he doesn’t mean to. He shakes the boy hard. “Don’t you ever fucking call me that again.” He tells the boy, Shane he thinks his name is.

“What the fucks your problem?” Shane asks, trying to pry Thomas’s white knuckles from his shirt.

Frypan is there in an instant, his arms coming to rest on Thomas’s shoulder as he approached his friend. “Thomas, let go. He doesn’t know.” Frypan says this softly, patiently as if speaking to a wild animal he doesn’t want to scare off.

“What’s all the commotion?” Jorge asks.

Thomas blinks and looks over at Frypan and then out at the crowd that’s formed around them. Minho is running toward them along with Brenda and Vince. Everyone seems confused. Suddenly, Thomas is too. He pulls his hands off of the boy as if he’s burnt him. “I-I-I’m sorry.” He says hoarsely, stumbling back and almost tripping had it not been for Fry holding onto him, studying him. “I don’t know...I didn’t mean. I’m sorry.” He apologizes looking at his hands, the same hands that killed Newt.

“What happened?” He vaguely hears Minho’s voice above the whispers of the crowd.

“He called him Tommy.” Frypan says solemnly, as if he’s telling Minho that someone’s died. Someone did die, he reminds himself.

There’s silence for a moment as all is friends take in what’s happened.“Alright that’s enough. There’s nothing to see here get back to work.” Vince says, clapping his hands to get everyone’s attention. “Now!” He yells, and it works. They disperse and go back to what they were doing not even giving Thomas and Shane a second glance.

“I’m sorry.” Thomas says again because he doesn’t know what else to say. “It’s just you can’t call me that. Only Newt could call me that.”

“It’s okay. I understand. I lost someone too.” Shane says giving Thomas a small smile and simply walking away. No one ever called him Tommy again.

* * *

By the time it snowed their feeble tents had been replaced by wood cabins. Despite the change in housing a sickness still swept it's way through the Safe Haven. It wasn't anything like the flare Sonya had figured out. Those who were immune to the flare were not immune to this illness. Jorge told them it was probably just a cold or a flu. A normal illness humans contracted especially in cold weather. Just like the flare there was no cure. Those who got the illness were bed ridden with a cough, fever, chills, and sweats. 

Thomas had thrown himself into working as hard as he could to make sure those ill had water and helped Fry pass out his soups and stews to keep everyone warm. There were two casualties and as always Thomas felt somehow responsible. He helped to bury the bodies and cross their names out. Thomas fetched fire word and stacked it up so it was in a neat dry pile available to everyone who needed some. He helped give out blankets and sheets and jackets. He did everything he could to prevent any more deaths.

He kept himself so busy he ran himself to the ground. It was Frypan who noticed the sweat on his forehead when Thomas was helping him out in the kitchen. Thomas's body seemed to sag against the wooden shelves that held ingredients and spices. He was so out of it he didn't know Frypan was looking at him until he felt the back of his friends hand on his forehead. He leaned into the cool touch and sighed heavily. "Thomas, are you feeling okay?" He asked, slowly and carefully.

For the first time since the illness hit their camp he paused and took a minute to consider his own health. Did he feel okay? His head was pounding and it physically hurt him to look into the light of the fire, he felt cold and hot all at once, and had been too nauseous to eat all day, and sometimes his vision would go black as he worked himself too hard but it would right itself soon enough that he wasn't too concerned. "Yeah, yeah, I'm good." He finally answered causing Fry to lift his eyebrows up in disbelief. 

"Okay, man, whatever you say...but you should know that you're burning up. Are you sure you're okay to keep going?" He asked, not wanting Thomas to overexert himself.

"Fry, I'm good." He repeated, sounding annoyed. 

"Okay, okay," He held his hands up in defeat. "If you're so good why don't you take this over to Cabin B. I'm sure Minho and Brenda are starving by now." He hands Thomas a tray with two bowls of stew and two butter buns. 

Thomas takes it with a smug look on his face. "I'll get right on it, captain." He turns on his heel and leaves the kitchen, oblivious to Frypan's plan to purposely send him to Minho to get yelled at for not taking care of himself. He's just about made it to Cabin B when the pounding in his head increases and his vision starts to go black. "Minho!" He hears himself call out through the rushing sound in his ears. He sees Minho at the entrance of the cabin when he falls, the tray of food spilling and burning his chest on the way. He tries to blink his eyes into focus and attempts to concentrate on Minho's approaching form but he falls unconscious before his friend can get to him. 

He's in and out of consciousness for awhile, not quite registering what's going on. At one point he sees familiar brown eyes and blonde hair. "Newt." He breathes out, a sigh of relief. He smiles up at her quickly falls back asleep, only instead of being fitful he has a peaceful look on his face. Sonya pretends it doesn't bother her as she places a wet cloth over his forehead. 

_Thomas dreams vividly from the fever only it doesn't feel like dreams at all it feels more like memories he can't quite place. He's in a WICKED facility and Newt's there too. Only he doesn't exactly look like the Newt he's always known. He's much, much, younger, his hair is longer and curlier, his face softer and he's actually shorter than Thomas. His smile is the same, if not a little brighter and much toothier. He's the same Newt Thomas has always known but there's something about him that lets him know this Newt is in a different world than the one he remembers._

_Newt's hand comes up to his cheek and chastely brushes it he should be surprised by such an intimate gesture but he's not. For some reason this is normal. In this dream, this memory, Thomas has always had Newt touch him like this. Maybe not always but long enough that its natural and doesn't surprise him. Newt grabs his hand and holds it tight._

_"I'm scared, Tommy." He whispers and Thomas pulls him close to his chest and feels Newt bury his face in his neck. He can't feel it now as it's nothing but a hidden memory but it was warm whenever it happened. He known's Newt is scared and he knows why...Newt is not immune._

_He sees Newt again only this time he's older and seated on the floor in his underwear and undershirt. Minho is there too and so is Alby. They are also years younger but still older than him. They're playing with a deck of cards they aren't supposed to have. They're giggling and trying to teach Thomas the rules because sometimes he has to spend long periods of time away from them...away from Newt. He's smart and catches on quickly but feigns not knowing how to play a little while longer because Newt's exasperated with him, but not mad, and trying to help him even though Minho says he can't because it's cheating. Newt is rolling his pretty eyes at him but smiling and ruffling his hair saying, "it's okay, Tommy, you'll get the hang of it in no time." Newt moves closer to him on the guise of helping him read his cards and Thomas remembers feeling his breath against his cheek. "Here move this card here and then this one goes here-" he explains and their eyes meet and its electric. It's more than electric it's more than anything he's ever felt before and it's everything he didn't know he needed. Fuck, when did puberty hit them? When did he look at Newt and start feeling butterflies? It's been happening for awhile now...probably since he was 11. There isn't a singular moment he can pinpoint when the feeling started but it's strong and he doesn't know that it will ever go away. So long as Newt's alive and smiling at him like this Thomas thinks he will always feel this way about him._

_They're a little bit older when he and Newt first kiss. Not by much though. Thomas is 13 and Newt is 14. They're in Newt's room while Minho and Alby are goofing off some place else. They're laughing over a story Newt is telling about Minho and suddenly they go quiet. The room stills and the atmosphere changes. It's not awkward but they both feel nervous for a reason neither can place. And then Thomas leans in and Newt tilts his head just slightly in question. Maybe he saw something in Thomas's eyes or the expression on his face or perhaps he could hear the way his heart was pounding in his chest because he leaned in too. Then their lips meet. Newt's are soft and wet with spit. Thomas panics in his head because his lips are on Newt's before he realizes he doesn't know how to kiss. They just sit there lips pressed to lips unmoving until Newt finally pulls away. "You don't know how bloody long it's been since I've wanted to do that." Newt says and it makes Thomas's heart swell up because holy shit Newt wanted to kiss him too?_

_They're in Newt's room again only this time he's 15 and Thomas has just turned 14. They're making out on his bed while Minho and Alby sleep. Thomas isn't supposed to be here, sharing a bed with his best friend, but he can't seem to stay away. Newt tells him to go before they get in trouble but Thomas knows he wants him to stay just as much. So they kiss each other quietly in the dark, their hands wandering over each others chests and shoulders and hair. They kiss each other breathless before Newt pulls away and lays back on the bed. Thomas kisses his neck just a little while longer before pressing one final kiss on his soft skin and resting his head on Newt's chest. "I think...well...bloody 'ell I'm just gonna come out and say it then, yeah. Tommy, I think I love you." His voice is quiet and he sounds nervous which is odd coming from him._

_"I think I love you too." Thomas whispers back because he doesn't know what else to say and because it's true. He reaches around and finds Newt's hand in the darkness and squeezes it._

_"Good that." Newt says, playing with Tommy's hair until he falls asleep._

_"I don't want to go." Not without you, it's unspoken but it's there and fuck does it hurt._

_"Newt, I'm sorry!" He apologizes for the hundredth time but they're all empty, all meaningless. There's no weight to them, He can't change anything. He can't take back his betrayal or the pain he's caused his friends...the pain he's caused Newt. Minho and Alby won't even talk to him (or Teresa) they're so furious, but Newt does. Newt talks to him because he can't imagine not talking to him which is part of what makes this hurt so much. If Newt goes into the Maze there was no guarantee he would ever get to see Thomas again._

_"You have to find me, Thomas." He flinches at the use of his full name. "You can't just throw us away. It isn't right. It's not fair. You can't just do this to us!" He can feel the panic radiating from Newt and he hates himself so, so much. "You have to come for me, please. You can't just....you can't leave me." Newt is scared and it's all Thomas's fault.Thomas has done this to him. "You can't leave me there, Thomas! You have to come get me. Promise me! Promise me you'll come and get me!" He's screaming now and Thomas is flinching from it but he's trying to keep himself together._

_He takes Newt's face in his own and presses their foreheads together. "I promise. I won't leave you...any of you behind. I will get you out. I promise." He swears and he means it and he's desperate for Newt to know he means it too. Newt's nodding and taking in shaky breaths. "I love you." Thomas says once again at a loss for words. "I'm sorry."_

_"It's not your fault you're not really in charge here. I know that and Minho and Alby know that too. Just give them some time to be mad." They don't have much time left and they all know it but Thomas nods and agrees anyway. "I love you, Tommy." Newt kissed his cheek and then buried his face in Thomas's neck, wrapping his arms around his middle and hugging him tightly._

_The last time Thomas can remember seeing Newt before the blonde boy's memories were wiped and he was sent into the maze was probably his most shameful memory. He remembers Newt crying and holding onto him desperately refusing to let go. He kissed the top of Newt's head, smelling his shampoo and natural scent. He doesn't show it but he feels just as hopeless as the other boy does. He's just as scared too. He helped build the maze he knows about the optical illusions within it, the grievers...all of it. He hugs Newt back tightly. He knows they have to part soon and won't see each other again for who knows how long. He keeps kissing him, his cheeks, his nose, the sides of his face, his lips. Everywhere. He kisses the other boy on every part of his face that his lips have access to. "I'm sorry, Newt. I'm so, so sorry." He's whispering so the cameras don't pick it up. "Remember my promise? I mean it. I promise I will come and get you out. I promise."_

_Newt is nodding but he's crying and Thomas can feel it on his shirt. He wants to cry too. He didn't expect this to hurt so much but it does and its his fault but its too late for him to fix it now. Newt is gonna be taken away from him and all his friends are gonna be sent into the maze and perhaps some of them won't make it out. Perhaps Newt won't make it out. He feels his throat tighten and he wants to cry but forces his feelings down to savor this last moment with his boyfriend._

_WICKED guards come in and they have to pry Newt off of him. The blonde boy struggles and grabs a hold of Thomas's shirt and pulls. He scrambles to take hold of him anywhere he can but the guards pull his arms and drag him away and he's screaming, kicking, and fighting. Newt doesn't want to go and Thomas is the reason he has to. Sometimes, Thomas wishes he was never born this is definitely one of those moments. He wishes he could close his eyes and will this moment away but he doesn't. He keeps his eyes open and stares at Newt because this is could be the last time they see each other and he knows he'll hate himself even more if he looks anywhere but him. The last time he sees Newt before the maze he's crying and fighting to stay with him._

It's two days before Thomas's fever breaks and he wakes up. The first person he sees in Sonya and again he mistakes her for Newt, but this time only for a second and he doesn't call her by her brother's name this time. She can see it, though. She sees the recognition in his eyes and watches him deflate after a few seconds when he realizes she's not Newt. 

"Good you're awake." She says and smiles softly down at him. She doesn't remember Newt as her brother but she knows that at some point she did and she loved him. She knows Thomas loves him still. "It was touch and go there for a bit but you'll be good as new in a couple more days. You should take care of yourself better, Thomas." She chides, with no bite. 

It takes Thomas a minute to register that he's in his bed in his cabin with Sonya taking care of him. Sonya not Newt. He lets out a shaky breath and nods, the weight of his dreams weighing heavy on him. He thinks maybe they weren't dreams after all but memories. He knows it sounds ridiculous but they felt so real to him, like he could feel Newt's butterflies kisses and soft touches against his skin. He lays back and closes his eyes and soaks it all in. It doesn't really change all that much about his life now. Newt is still dead and always will be. But somehow he feels less empty...all the regrets he had all the things he wished he could do with Newt...he's already done. Sure, it was in another life, one he can't completely remember and perhaps isn't anything more than a fever dream but it felt _real._ Real enough that a part of Thomas doesn't have to be kept guessing of what being with Newt could've been like. It felt warm, and safe, and like home. 

When he opens his eyes he's smiling and Sonya looks caught off guard by it. It makes sense, Thomas hadn't smiled almost at all since waking up in the Safe Haven. "Hey." He says quietly, his voice hoarse from illness and lack of use. Sonya helps him to sit up and hands him a cup of water. She's staring at him intently as he drinks it. "What is it?" He asks more curious than anything else. He still doesn't really know Sonya that well and had it not been for her medical experience he would have no idea why she was the face he woke up to. 

She shakes her head and smiles at him like it's no big deal, like she doesn't have something she really wants to say. "No, it's nothing. You should rest anyway." She waves her hand dismissively and stands up to leave.

"No, Sonya. It's okay. You can say what you want to say." She looks at him like she doesn't believe him. Perhaps she's afraid whatever she has to say will set him off like when Shane called him Tommy. He knows she's not scared of him but of his reaction, of setting his progress back. "It's okay, really. I want to hear it. You guys shouldn't have to tiptoe around what you need to say to me. I'm good, I promise. I can take it. So, what's up?" He asks earnestly.

The blonde girl stared at him in silence, studying his face and what the tone of his voice had sounded like. She must see something that makes her feel better about speaking because she sits back down. "You don't have to answer but umm....Newt..." She pauses to take in his reaction to see if it's okay to continue. He took in a sharp breath but nodded for her to continue. "When you were sick you mistook me for him and you just you seemed relieved to see him...or what you thought was him and it just calmed your whole body to see him." 

"Yeah it was always like that with him. No matter what happened I felt like I could keep going because he was always there by my side believing in me." He stares at her expectantly because he knows she has more to say.

"He was my brother. At least that's what the files said I don't remember him being my brother. But you mistook me for him and if you could think that I was him...knowing how well you knew him...then maybe he really was my older brother after all." Her face becomes scrunched up not quite in pain but in frustration. "I hate to ask but I think you're the best person to ask because of your um _history_ with him?" She says it like a question even though everyone knows Thomas took Newt's death the hardest despite knowing him for the shortest amount of time among the Gladers. "What was he like?"

Thomas is taken aback by the question and isn't sure what to say. He knows who Newt was in this life, the life after being put in the maze, but if the dreams he had were actually memories than that means he was the only person to remember what Newt was like before the maze. "Newt was the kind of person that was just really, really special. Everything about him was different than everyone I can remember meeting and probably will ever meet. I think you're bound to meet people in this life that you are destined to know and for me that was Newt. He's someone you look at and you just know that they're good, y'know? He was just a good, good person. I mean he was so kind and loving and trusting. He was the second in command in our maze, like you were in yours. So he took care of everyone. He was just really selfless in everything he did. I mean he cared about everyone's well being over his own so much that he didn't even tell me about _it_ until he couldn't keep it a secret anymore. Every time I doubted myself or I was scared that I was making all the wrong decisions he told me he believed in me, that we would get through it. I think I did fuck up sometimes but he followed me anyway... and I think he would've always followed me if...if he didn't have to die." He pauses and scrubs his face with his hands but he's not crying. Somehow, it makes him feel better to talk about Newt who he missed so much. "He was sensitive too he didn't want anyone to know but I could see it. I could just read him like that. And he was funny-" Thomas lets out a wet laugh remembering all the stupid jokes the older boy made even at the worst times-"he could always lighten even the most dire situation. And honestly I just loved him. He was someone you couldn't help but love. I think he loved me too. He was so sweet that he loved me even though I did some really, really bad things. I could talk about him all day." Thomas says and smiles because he remembers Newt in a different way now because he has newer memories of the boy. He can remember Newt as his boyfriend and not the boy he shot and killed. 

Sonya is quiet, listening to every word he says and taking it all in. It's weird having to hear what your own brother was like from someone else but she felt lucky to be able to hear about him at all. "He sounds like someone I would be proud to call my brother. Thank you for telling me about him" She says, smiling at him. "I'll go and get Minho now. He was worried sick about you." She stands up, hesitates for a moment, and pats Thomas on the shoulder awkwardly in an attempt to comfort him. She walks out the cabin and in a few minutes is replaced with Minho. 

"Thomas, hey! How are you feeling?" He's got dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep and Thomas feels bad for not taking care of himself and making Minho worry for him.

"Hey Min. I'm good, really good." He answers with a smile because he thinks that maybe, just maybe, he will be okay after all. 

Minho smiles brightly back because he actually believes Thomas this time. Before, he wasn't sure Thomas would survive Newt's death but for some reason he senses a change in his friend. A good change that makes him think that Thomas is getting closer and closer to healing...closer to acceptance. He punches Thomas's shoulder. "Don't ever shucking scare me like that again." He reprimands but doesn't sound angry. He pulls Thomas into a tight hug and Thomas hugs his friend back. 

"Yeah, I'll be sure to do that." He promises because now with the new closure he has experienced he wishes to take better care of himself. Not to move on from Newt but to live for him and remember him and all the beautiful things about him. Maybe this wasn't ever supposed to be his Haven maybe he was meant to lead the others here. Maybe his Haven is some kind of after life where Newt is waiting for him. He can't be sure of course but it's a nice thought...one that will keep him going in this life now that Newt isn't here to believe in him. Perhaps, it's his penance for building the maze and putting his friends in it. If that's the case then he will live and help to make the Safe Haven home for the others. He will atone in this life so his next is the life he wants....a life with Newt. He can feel happy believing these thoughts and he knows that's all Newt ever wanted...for him to be happy. So he smiles and hugs his friend and promises to be there for him like Minho was for him. _This will be a good life,_ he promises to himself, _because I will make it one. For Newt I will be happy._


End file.
